A part of me no one knows, except

Um, hi.

I know it's been so long. I'm already on my 5th semester. Ikr. The last time I was depressed it was my second. And oh boy, was I wrong. My third year was more hell, and suicidal. I got fucked up so bad I literally wanted to die. But, I managed, as usual.

To summarize it all, my life is hellish right now and nothing is going okay. But, you know, I have no choice but to keep going.

It's 12.54am now. Tomorrow (today) is raya haji. And yes, I'm still on semester break. So, last week I was reunited with my primary school friends. They've known me the longest and I miss them like hell. We went out for thosai at around 9pm. The chutney was horrible and we saw some freaky people carrying dolls like it's a human being. Like annabelle kinda dolls. Yeah, idk why. Anyway, after we had our thosai, we went for ice cream at mcd. We talked, and talked, and talked. I didn't realize how dark the conversation turned out. I mean, I finally felt free. They know everything about me and I have nothing to hide. That was the first time in years I let out everything. Hell, I almost cried. If it wasn't in public, I would have.

I have many group of friends and I love them dearly. But these two people, they've been through my childhood with me. They are my childhood. They have that one piece of me that no one knows about. I don't really open up to people because I'm afraid that they would not understand. Most of my friends come in a normal happy family environment. And I don't. It doesn't matter how hard I pretend that I do, I just don't. And it's more than just that. But in all seriousness, it's nobody's fault they don't understand. It's me who choose not to tell.

(btw, im listening to matt maeson and it doesnt really help but u guys should really check his music up)

Anyway, we talked about everything until it was 2am. We had to go back because my friend really needed to pee and she didn't want to pee in public restrooms. (i know. what a snob). When I got back, I feel so lightened. You know? It feels like the burden you've been carrying around suddenly been lifted off. I felt so good. That was the best feelings I've ever had since... idk, 2015?

And I thank God for sending me these two bitches because they take care of me. I would be dead if they're not around. If one day I die and you wanna know everything, find them. They know everything. The only people that can actually handle me and my demons. Oh, and my ex. I think the only reason I'm still single is because I can't really find someone that I can truly trust to tell all my secrets AND handle it. But, yeah. Kudos, Nor and Tini.

No offense to my other friends. You guys are the best blessings that have ever happened to me. You guys keep me sane. Thank you.