A part of me no one knows, except

Um, hi.

I know it's been so long. I'm already on my 5th semester. Ikr. The last time I was depressed it was my second. And oh boy, was I wrong. My third year was more hell, and suicidal. I got fucked up so bad I literally wanted to die. But, I managed, as usual.

To summarize it all, my life is hellish right now and nothing is going okay. But, you know, I have no choice but to keep going.

It's 12.54am now. Tomorrow (today) is raya haji. And yes, I'm still on semester break. So, last week I was reunited with my primary school friends. They've known me the longest and I miss them like hell. We went out for thosai at around 9pm. The chutney was horrible and we saw some freaky people carrying dolls like it's a human being. Like annabelle kinda dolls. Yeah, idk why. Anyway, after we had our thosai, we went for ice cream at mcd. We talked, and talked, and talked. I didn't realize how dark the conversation turned out. I mean, I finally felt free. They know everything about me and I have nothing to hide. That was the first time in years I let out everything. Hell, I almost cried. If it wasn't in public, I would have.

I have many group of friends and I love them dearly. But these two people, they've been through my childhood with me. They are my childhood. They have that one piece of me that no one knows about. I don't really open up to people because I'm afraid that they would not understand. Most of my friends come in a normal happy family environment. And I don't. It doesn't matter how hard I pretend that I do, I just don't. And it's more than just that. But in all seriousness, it's nobody's fault they don't understand. It's me who choose not to tell.

(btw, im listening to matt maeson and it doesnt really help but u guys should really check his music up)

Anyway, we talked about everything until it was 2am. We had to go back because my friend really needed to pee and she didn't want to pee in public restrooms. (i know. what a snob). When I got back, I feel so lightened. You know? It feels like the burden you've been carrying around suddenly been lifted off. I felt so good. That was the best feelings I've ever had since... idk, 2015?

And I thank God for sending me these two bitches because they take care of me. I would be dead if they're not around. If one day I die and you wanna know everything, find them. They know everything. The only people that can actually handle me and my demons. Oh, and my ex. I think the only reason I'm still single is because I can't really find someone that I can truly trust to tell all my secrets AND handle it. But, yeah. Kudos, Nor and Tini.

No offense to my other friends. You guys are the best blessings that have ever happened to me. You guys keep me sane. Thank you.

Boys

Hi. This is gonna be short.
So let me talk about boys.
Not in general but some of the guys I had a crush on. And moved on.

1. I like this guy because he is kind, pious and stuff. He can read the quran so beautifully. He can azan so well. All that stuff. I know he knew I liked him. But what did he do? He said that my friends and I are the kind of girls who has no dignity because we curse a lot and that's not "lumrah seorang wanita yang diciptakan sopan". Yeah, true but the fuck? I don't have dignity just because I curse a lot? Whatever. After that, I have no feelings whatsoever towards him.

2. This one, I like him because suka suka. I also know he knew because I somehow kinda confessed but he didn't take the next step.  We talk occasionally but no signs of interests. So I moved on.

3, This is a senior. Maybe 3 years or 4 years older than me and I swear I expected more than him but haih. He's very kind, very rajin, a good leader but awkward as fuck. I swear this guy.... i don't know lah what to say. I showed interest but he didn't take the hint because he was clueless af and I guess he likes being single so yeah, I moved on.

4. This one broke my heart even he has nothing to do with me. Sometimes we talk, and sometimes he's just cold af. Like very mysterious. Idk how to describe him but I got played, that's all. I have a feeling he's being nice to me because I have a car. But that's just a feeling. Anyway, I moved on. I want to tell more but I've been keeping this one a secret and takut kantoi.

5. Last but definitely not least, my ex :) He was everything. He was the one who introduced me to Coldplay and I got hooked up ever since. So every time I hear The Scientist playing on the radio or anywhere, there's a bittersweet feeling creeping inside me. He was so kind, so loving. He accepted me for everything I am. He brings me to mamak to watch football matches. He once gave me a rose and I accidentally killed it because I thought that was a fake one. I loved his jokes. The way he looks at me, his black eyes gets darker and I saw the corners of his eyes wrinkles as he smiles, as if I'm the prettiest girl around even when I'm not. He made me feel safe, feel loved and worthy. But sometimes, things are just too good to be true. He found someone else, so he broke up with me. It was the most devastating and hardest thing I have to endure, but I eventually move on.

So, yeah.